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Reciprocity - Give to Get

The key element about ‘Entrust Others’ is that you are giving something to someone. Something that is often quite intangible but very valuable for both you and the recipient. At this stage then a gift is changing hands as a transaction in the same way that a child will give you a kiss, a husband might buy his partner some flowers or you will spot a book that you believe someone will like and buy it for them as a surprise present.

The rule of Reciprocity

But…. when you buy that gift for someone, are you doing it for them or are you doing it for you? Have you bought the present as a single one-way transaction with no thought about getting a present in return? Or deep down might you hope that they will reciprocate at some later stage. Maybe by getting you a book or do any other favor that might be of value to you.

Although the 'Entrust Others' stage can seem fluffy and wooly, it is actually a highly audited process of reciprocity where we measure the extent to which we give the gift of trust to others is reciprocated. Although this may seem clinical, it is a process of self-protection that ensures we don’t erode the value of our personal brand and social capital.

Reciprocity simply means that if you do something for a colleague, (like refer them to a client) they might be compelled to do something for you in return.[i] This is a natural human action that will happen in any society where all members of the culture learn from a young age to abide by the (spoken and unspoken) rule or suffer serious social disapproval. This sense of future indebtedness makes possible the development of various kinds of continuing relationships, transactions, and exchanges that are fundamental to society’s well being and the overall rule of law and governance.

While Westerners often think of “primitive” or non-market economies as static “subsistence systems” (i.e., geared only to the limited needs of local populations), in fact they can operate around sophisticated trading relationships. In Papua New Guinea, status is earned by giving things away rather than acquiring them. This is known as the Moka, a ceremony in which people, sometimes-whole tribes, give gifts to members of other tribes. The larger the gift, the greater the victory of the recipient. The trick with the Moka exchange is the obligation to return an equal amount plus more. It is a system of incremental exchange, not of balanced trade. People are locked into escalating relations of generosity and debt. This is why wealth is a sign of personal prowess, and more a measure of what you give than what you receive.[ii]

I got caught with this when we went away last Christmas for family holiday in Spain. While there we all decided to go out for a meal to a local restaurant. Now the meal was OK but nothing special. The service was reasonable and the food was quite edible. At the end of the evening I asked for the bill and just as I had finished paying and we were about to walk out one of the staff gave my wife a small Christmas present. Now in reality it was a simple toy that made a few silly noises. However, we were thrilled with the fact that we had been given a gift. So the following night we were out walking and looking for somewhere to eat, as we walked along the front we went past the same restaurant and the manager smiled at us. Immediately, almost without thinking we walked back into the restaurant for another meal. Now with the benefit of hindsight I realised that the revisit was nothing to do with the quality of the food, it was just that they had given us a gift and we wanted to reciprocate the kindness.

Sitting underneath the idea of reciprocity are a number common factors:

	Giver	Receiver	Impact
1	Give	Get	Balanced transaction that leaves both players happy
2	Give	Get and Invest	Reasonably balanced, although the giver might react when the receiver attempts to reciprocate at a later date that might trigger further transactions downstream.
3	Give	Get, then Give	Out of balance, may confuse the giver when the transaction is reciprocated so rapidly.
4	Give to Invest	Get	Initially in balance but the giver may get confused later if they don’t feel that the transaction is reciprocated.
5	Give to invest	Get and Invest	Balanced transaction where the social capital should grow over time.
6	Give to invest	Get, then Give	May confuse the giver because they are expecting a long-term investment and all of a sudden get an unexpected payback.
7	Give to Get	Get	Will confuse both the giver and receiver. The giver will be looking for a rapid payback but if the receiver doesn’t know this may lead to shadow problems.
8	Give to Get	Get and Invest	Again, the receiver will accept as tradable process but not look for instant reciprocation.
9	Give to Get	Get, then Give	In balance because both payers see this as instant response. The one risk s that they get into a bidding war and it escalates out of balance.

	Feel the force - The need to payback a gift or something that has been entrusted to you is a very powerful emotional and social force. It is so strong that we often feel compelled to pay someone back a favor even if we don’t like them or they have done something to offend us in giving the gift.
	First mover control – Even when someone initiates a favor that we don’t want. we are automatically placed into a debt position. This gives amazing power to other people to effect control over what we think, feel and do, almost without our realizing it.
	Arms race - To be rid of the uncomfortable feeling of indebtedness, people will sometimes agree to a request for a substantially larger favor, than the one he or she first received. If the original giver then reciprocates then a race can begin to out-reciprocate the other person. We are then into a potential increasing race to out do the other person.
	Pure Abundance – Where people are able to give without any expectation of a gift back then we are moving towards a pure level of altruistic abundance. One that people may aspire for or say they do but can be very difficult to maintain when little or nothing is reciprocated.
	Blind faith– Any act of abundance will build your fund of social capital. This will hopefully create a network of embedded potential reciprocity. The important thing is that those you do the favor for may not be those who return it. The help you give may be return from a ripple effect where 2,3, or 4 degrees of separation may sit between your donation and the final receipt. The only way that abundant reciprocity can work is if you have belief in the idea rather than the measured return or payback on the investment. This might be similar to the idea of shelter huts in the wild that are maintained for a collective purpose, where all will use the asset but ensure they leave it well stocked for the next person.
	Faking it – There is one really common process that is driven more by self-interest than any interest than for abundant reciprocity. This is called the ‘rejection-then-retreat’ technique. This is based on the idea that if you offer someone an extreme request that you know they will never agree to, once rejected you can offer to reduce your request. By the process of reducing your initial request you have planted a favor seed of a concession. The duplicitous factor is that this is probably the one they wanted in the first pace.
	Sweat the small stuff – Think about the last time you were given a business card and didn’t have one to return. The internal tension can be quite awful, and this tension may well include a big chunk of guilt about looking unprofessional. The lesson is that often it is the little things can create the most impact in the reciprocity game.
	Beware the big gift – You must also beware the problem of giving someone too much trust in the wrong context. You can give someone a huge present and they will think you are (a) up to no good (b) full of spare cash, (c) after something. Reciprocity can backfire when it appears too aggressive and over the top.