A human being is a complex system involving the interaction of behaviours, emotions and thoughts. There are three elements or domains which are the Behavioural, having to do with activity and doing, the affective, having to do with feelings, emotions, values and motivation, and the cognitive, having to do with thinking and believing. This model is not new or unique. It is the basic psychological view of man that goes back to the Greeks and probably the Egyptians. It views man as composed of three interdependent processes. All are interdependent, and no one part can change without the other parts also changing.
Hence,
everything we say and do (Hand) is driven by a combination of our cognitive
(Head) and affective (Heart) dimensions. Although everybody has head and heart
dimension that drives their behaviour some pay more attention to their thoughts
than to their feelings while others pay more attention to their feelings than to
their thoughts.
In Homer’s The Odessy Ulysses is faced with a classic interpersonal conflict. He knows he will soon encounter the Sirens – the mythical females enchantresses who try to lure sea fariing men to their island and to the eventual death. These nymphs had the power of charming by their song all who heard them, so that mariners were impelled to cast themselves into the sea to destruction. Circe directed Ulysses to stop the ears of his seamen with wax, so that they should not hear the strain; to have himself bound to the mast, and to enjoin his people, whatever he might say or do, by no means to release him till they should have passed the Sirens' island. Ulysses obeyed these directions. As they approached the Sirens' island, the sea was calm, and over the waters came notes of music that caused Ulysses to struggle to get loose and cry out for his people to be released; but they, obedient to his previous orders, sprang forward and bound him still faster. They held on their course, and the music grew fainter till it ceased to be heard, when with joy Ulysses gave his companions the signal to unseal their ears; and they relieved him from his bonds.
With this Ulysses manages his competing preferences. He knows that his heart will pull him to listen to the music but his head says not to listen, as he will die. This internal contradiction or inconsistency is one he faced and was able to resolve. Unfortunately, it is a negotiation that so many people, fail to resolve. The addict wants a drink and knows they should, Eve wanted the apple but knew she should not eat it, I don’t want to get up in the morning but know I have to in order to make a living. These two dimensions can be seen as impulse (Heart) and reason (Head).
As such every second of the day people are choosing between what the want to do and what they should do. Think of when we go shopping, this is often a constant turmoil of want and should. Want the King Prawns but should get the cheap prawns to save money, want the expensive cut of meat but should get the cheap cut so that it will go further. Often these ‘want’ and ‘should’ drivers are driven by short and long term payback or discounting factors. People may want to act in a way that satisfies immediate needs but feel they should look for the long-term pay back in order to be sensible.
Interestingly it is just the internal conflict that sales men and women often play on. The car salesmen, double glazing sales people or even impulse purchase stands at the exit in a supermarket are using this internal conflict to trigger short term impulsive purchases. They use every trick in the book to encourage people to focus on what they want rather than what they should have.
Head type people will use facts, reality or principles and in many ways seem slightly formal in their behaviour? They use established concepts and perceptions as their guides to action. This person may have a preference to make decisions based on what appears to be logical or rational. This is very much a Fact decision maker and can be seen to be quite sensible in the way they make choices.
The Heart person will use words like ‘caring’ or ‘values’ and seem to be quite personal and emotional in the way they talk. In contrast, those who pay more attention to their feelings are said to follow their heart, which means that much of what they do is based on emotion or desire. These people will make decisions based driven against an emotional criteria. They will focus on what feels right at that moment in time and are effectively making a heart choice.
The behaviours
and language associated with these dimensions can be seen as:
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Personal Choices |
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HEART |
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HEAD |
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When they can get past the stereotypes, these two orientations usually find they can complement each other quite well, with the head dimension providing a source of clarity and toughness, and the heart driver providing a source of compassion and personal consideration. Rather than being an either or, it might be seen as an arc of inference. Some people will have a strong preference for the heart orientation, other for head, whilst the rest will sit somewhere in the middle.
It is interesting that, in the USA at least, about 67% of all men are Thinkers, while 67% of females are Feelers. It is this that might drive the stereotype that women are emotional while men are logical. Or perhaps this is the way we train our children, expecting boys to be more rational while allowing girls to vent their feelings. Again this preference is a continuum rather than two extremes: most people are probably able to use both logic and emotion in their decision-making. Nevertheless, most of us will be more comfortable using one over the other.
The challenge you have to face, as a consultant is to understand that inside the client may be two people. The logical rational person and the one you would use language such as what should you do or what is best to manage. And the emotional person who needs you to ask how they feel and what they want. In addition to this the consultant must be aware of the dual personality inside them and how the head and heart preference will drive how they behave. The key thing is that head and heart drivers will be manifest in the way the coach and client talk. Language is the primary bridge in a coaching situation and so the coach must be acutely tuned into their internal drivers, the client’s internal drivers and the language that occurs when the two meet.
The important action for any consultant is to:
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· Understand their one preferences (Head or Heart) |
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· Listen to the clients language to map their preference. |
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· Develop the ability to flex the preferred style and adapt to the clients |
The effective consultant will develop the capability to step into the client’s world rather than forcing them to step into their preference. If you have a head preference and meet a client who has a heart preference then be emotional. Use affective language and feel make the client feel comfortable by entering their world. After a while you can then shift the language more toward a head style and adopt a more logical tone. But the important thing is to migrate the client at a pace that they feel comfortable and not rush just because you want to get the facts on the table as quietly as possible.
(c) Mick Cope